Confidential

Bill’s _Ʌ Blog

Don’t tell anyone about this blog. It’s because I’m trying to keep this information from my wife Marjorie. You will see why if you read further.

You may know that I am scheduled for hip replacement surgery soon. If you didn’t know, I am surprised since I’ve been telling everyone I know over the last six months about my upcoming, life threatening, Major Surgery (if you don’t understand, just know that this surgery is a major event for most men, but minor for women). It has something to do with the extra rib that women have, or, more simply, it’s just a man thing).

As the date for surgery approached, I was required to take a class at the hospital about the upcoming event. Marjorie and I went together, and we learned from the nurses about my convalescence. I’m supposed to use a walker for some while and have help for any movement that has the risk of falling. “Take it easy,” they said. “And your driving is out of the question, since your right hip is being replaced.” I tried to look glum upon their announcement to the wife and me. For several days, they said, I’m to do little beyond the few exercises they gave me to perform. “And you’ll need a walker, a high-rise seat for the toilet and a chair for the shower.” This sounded exactly like the kind of advice I was secretly hoping for. The advice about the need for help during convalescence and the extra precautions concerning my safety provoked my plan to milk this thing as far as I can. I decided this is my chance to demand ‘breakfast in bed’ kind of take it easy during my recovery. Of course, my poor wife Marjorie will be the recipient of my demands since I have decided I will be in nearly inconsolable pain, requiring extraordinary care and attention.

Lest you think this was a last-minute plan, you should know that I have actually given this a lot of forethought. For example, I decided some while ago to stack the firewood no higher than the wife can reach since my toting wood to the stove will be too taxing for my feeble condition. Likewise, I filled the snowblower with gas some weeks ago and, just as a precaution, I ran the machine for several minutes to assure that she wouldn’t need to call me for help in the cold weather that would, no doubt, provoke unnecessary safety risks.

Of course, I won’t be able to help much inside the house either. There is no chance that I’ll be able to stand long enough to handle a frying pan much less deal with dirty dishes. Furthermore, I’ll definitely need help in ambling to the living room to watch television or read a favorite book. I’m thinking that the living room sofa will be my center of operations for an extended period. I also expect my debilitated condition will require regular infusions of bourbon to ameliorate the pain and so I assured the liquor cabinet was adequately supplied and I’ll remind her where I store the tumblers and shot glasses. I hope I haven’t missed anything that I will require during my convalescence, but if I have, I’ll just ask for help. If it doesn’t seem too taxing, I may be able to squeeze in a report to you about my recovery. Look for it.