The race is on

I am back home, taking drugs after my recent surgery. The drugs are the kind that make you silly. Here is what evolved from the drug-taking regimen.

“Thanks to all you listeners for attending our race today. I’m Willie Makeit and my partner providing the color commentary is Howard, better known as Hard Times. The race that we will be calling today is the Kentucky Derby of the walker set. Hard and I were told there is to be a single contestant, Speedy Bill, and he will race using Olympic rules with careful attention to elapsed time. Reportedly, Speedy will be repeating the race over the next several days trying to improve his time. Here is Hard for a close-up look.

Thanks, Willie. We had a brief parade before the race with Speedy showing off his racing colors. It looked to me like he was wearing pajamas. It was a red T-shirt on top with multi-colored bottoms that no respectable man would ever wear. Before we get too far into this description though, I should tell you that I think Speedy is getting ready to begin the race as he seems to be leaving the breakfast table with his walker in front in him.

“And there he goes. Someone tripped the alarm and the stopwatch is now running. The race is on. Wait a minute, wait. There is a problem with the start. Speedy’s walker seems to be tied up with a chair at the table. He can’t afford a mistake here as the clock is still running. There! He is free from the entanglement. Take it away Willie.”

“Hard and I were told that Speedy will be defining the layout of the race course as he makes his inaugural run. If its true, he has picked a difficult course as he heads into the kitchen with his bulky walker that seems to be giving him problems right here in the beginning of the race. He has reached the end of the kitchen and he is faced with two right angle turns to the left. There he goes. He got  thru the first turn by lifting his walker airborne and rotating the metal contraption. Speedy doesn’t seem to be familiar with his walker and he had difficulty getting into the second turn.”

“I think that’s right Hard. I was told that Speedy’s only preparation for this race was a two-day stay at the hospital in Midland where a surgeon advised him on the finer points walker racing.”

“And now Speedy is making a right-hand turn toward the open stairway leading to the basement. I don’t think he’ll be heading down there for some days or weeks. He seems to be making much faster progress as the race unfolds. My unofficial time has him at just two minutes as he heads into the foyer. Now he’s leaving the foyer into the main room. He has a long straightaway in front of him and so maybe he can make up some time. How do you see it Hard?

“That’s right Willie. He is just now passing the wood stove near the end of the run. Two more left turns and he’ll be heading back to the breakfast table. I’ll be watching the official clock as he comes home. There it is. I timed it at four minutes and twenty-two seconds. It was a memorable run and I can see that Speedy is breathing heavily. On the other hand, I’d say he has a way to go.”

That’s what I think too, Hard. I’ve seen faster walkers than Speedy in the Sloth races in Australia. And there you have it folks.

Confidential

Bill’s _Ʌ Blog

Don’t tell anyone about this blog. It’s because I’m trying to keep this information from my wife Marjorie. You will see why if you read further.

You may know that I am scheduled for hip replacement surgery soon. If you didn’t know, I am surprised since I’ve been telling everyone I know over the last six months about my upcoming, life threatening, Major Surgery (if you don’t understand, just know that this surgery is a major event for most men, but minor for women). It has something to do with the extra rib that women have, or, more simply, it’s just a man thing).

As the date for surgery approached, I was required to take a class at the hospital about the upcoming event. Marjorie and I went together, and we learned from the nurses about my convalescence. I’m supposed to use a walker for some while and have help for any movement that has the risk of falling. “Take it easy,” they said. “And your driving is out of the question, since your right hip is being replaced.” I tried to look glum upon their announcement to the wife and me. For several days, they said, I’m to do little beyond the few exercises they gave me to perform. “And you’ll need a walker, a high-rise seat for the toilet and a chair for the shower.” This sounded exactly like the kind of advice I was secretly hoping for. The advice about the need for help during convalescence and the extra precautions concerning my safety provoked my plan to milk this thing as far as I can. I decided this is my chance to demand ‘breakfast in bed’ kind of take it easy during my recovery. Of course, my poor wife Marjorie will be the recipient of my demands since I have decided I will be in nearly inconsolable pain, requiring extraordinary care and attention.

Lest you think this was a last-minute plan, you should know that I have actually given this a lot of forethought. For example, I decided some while ago to stack the firewood no higher than the wife can reach since my toting wood to the stove will be too taxing for my feeble condition. Likewise, I filled the snowblower with gas some weeks ago and, just as a precaution, I ran the machine for several minutes to assure that she wouldn’t need to call me for help in the cold weather that would, no doubt, provoke unnecessary safety risks.

Of course, I won’t be able to help much inside the house either. There is no chance that I’ll be able to stand long enough to handle a frying pan much less deal with dirty dishes. Furthermore, I’ll definitely need help in ambling to the living room to watch television or read a favorite book. I’m thinking that the living room sofa will be my center of operations for an extended period. I also expect my debilitated condition will require regular infusions of bourbon to ameliorate the pain and so I assured the liquor cabinet was adequately supplied and I’ll remind her where I store the tumblers and shot glasses. I hope I haven’t missed anything that I will require during my convalescence, but if I have, I’ll just ask for help. If it doesn’t seem too taxing, I may be able to squeeze in a report to you about my recovery. Look for it.