The IRS and me

I hope you noticed that we just passed tax day (April 18) and you are OK with that. I’m not accusing you of forgetting to pay your taxes, but hey, sh&! happens. I am OK too, although I must tell you that this year my tax activities were more interesting than most.

It began with the new tax software I used. It was called tax free something or other, and it claimed to provide all the forms, instructions, assistance, and ever thing a fellar like me would need to do my 2015 taxes. And the best part was, it was all free. Or so said the ad. In fact, it was free, until I came to the very end when the software said they needed $15.95 to send my return to the State of Michigan. So I did. I didn’t mind the fee too much, but I didn’t like being taken for a fool about the “its all free” business.

Anyway, the software worked pretty well, and I was glad to get the whole business finished. Since the program said I owed the IRS $248, I decided to make my payment the easy way by letting the IRS take the money right from my bank account. It was a simple matter of doing what the program said to do with my bank account number, a routing number, and an authorization. Slick. Within a day or two after I finished and clicked ‘send’, I got an e-mail from the software company saying that the IRS had accepted my tax return.

“What an effective process for paying my tax,” I thought.

How naïve I was to think that anything with the government would be that simple. The first hint of trouble came three weeks later. It was a letter from the IRS, a form letter with boxes in it that some IRS agent had marked with blue ink. The marked boxes indicated there was trouble - the IRS said, in their form of gobbledegook, that they had some problem with my bank and they couldn’t get the money they were owed. I had better fix it right away, the next marked box said, “to avoid further interest charges or penalties.”

Further charges? Did they mean they had already assessed a penalty? I began to sweat as I read the letter. It went on to indicate that I could send them a personal check to meet my obligations. I decided to send a check post haste. Which I did. It didn’t work either.

Two weeks after mailing my personal check to the IRS for the $248, I got another letter from the IRS. It was another form letter with more boxes checked and additional obscure information. The gist of it seemed to be that they had cashed the check, but had later given a credit to the bank. It seemed like they didn’t want my money. So I went to the bank.

“Yes,” they said, the check had cleared, no the IRS didn’t send any money back. The teller smiled as she reported all this. I wondered if she had dealt with the IRS before.

Something smelled fishy to me. The only solution was to speak with an IRS person to get to the bottom of this problem of them not accepting my money. The second letter from the IRS had a telephone number for questions. I dialed.

“Thank you for calling the IRS. We are experiencing a high call volume so there will be a waiting period, but your call is important to us... yada, yada, yada.”

I listened carefully. The recorded voice went on to ask questions that I was to answer via the telephone keyboard. I pushed a couple of number buttons and the voice seemed to like my choice. It stopped asking questions and announced what seemed to be a verdict.

“We estimate your waiting time before an analyst is available is 30 minutes,” the voice announced without any hint of regret.

I waited and then waited some more. They were surprisingly accurate--almost to the minute the recorded music stopped and I heard a new sound. I was connected!

But only for a moment. Then the line went dead. It was as if someone picked up the phone and then ended the connection. After my 1/2 hour wait, my breath escaped like a balloon losing air. I may have said sh&!, I don’t know. I decided to redial. I went through the yada business and the questions that I now could answer more quickly and began the second wait period of another 30 minutes. This time I drank beer while I waited - just to settle my nerves, you understand. Finally, a pleasant voice answered and asked about my problem. I explained about the IRS letters and threat of penalties and she began to say that wasn’t her area of expertise and that I must have not answered the questions properly.

I admit I interrupted her. I explained that I wanted to pay, but I needed the IRS to accept my money and could she help? It must have been the urgency in my voice, she said she could transfer me to another agent who handled these types of questions.

I waited while the telephone began making noises indicating that something was happening. What happened next was the worst thing I could have imagined. It was another recorded voice.

“Thank you for calling the IRS. We are experiencing a high call volume so there will be a waiting period, but your call is important to us... yada, yada, yada.”

It was another 30 minute wait. I may have said sh&! again. As I could have predicted, the third time took just as long as the first two. After the third 30 minutes, a kindly woman’s voice answered. I patiently explained my problem to her. She sounded sympathetic.

“Let me see what the system says.” After a pause she continued. “Ah, here you are. It says you are paid in full.”

My voice must have been weak from the last 2 hours of waiting on the phone. “Paid in full?” I said.

“Yup, paid in full.”

“No penalties?” I said.

“Nope, paid in full.”

 

I didn’t know whether to be happy or angry. After I thanked the IRS lady and hung up the phone, I decided to be happy. After all, my taxes were finished for the year and the experience was just one more brick on the wall.