Welcome to the new year and this report of my recent activities.

From Curmudgeon to Fixin’ Problems

I wanted you to know that I have taken on a new hobby in addition to my regular work of overseeing my neighborhood. That, and keeping my coffee-drinkin’ buddies informed of neighborhood skullduggery used to be my sole occupation until I decided on new work that has the decidedly larger potential of saving the world.


My new pastime is needed because of ill-informed people like I us’ta be. You can see right off that this new hobby requires a lot of time and effort. It’s jus’ a good thing that retiree’s like me have the time, dedication, and experience to settin’ things right that youngsters nowadays jus’ don’t have. Of course, the problem is that youngsters are runnin’ things.


The problem that I have dedicated my time to is straws. Yes, straws. Did you know that straws are a world-wide problem? We use billions and billions of straws in the US not to mention the additional gazillions used world-wide. They are everywhere. And that is the problem: straws end up polluting our rivers, lakes and oceans.

California tried to solve the straw problem earlier this year by passing a bill that would have outlawed single-use plastics. “California proposes phaseout of single-use plastics by 2030” their headlines screamed. The bill that young legislators in California proposed would have outlawed plastic water bottles, plastic utensils, carry-out plastic bowls from fast food places, plastic bags and, importantly, straws.


You might know that California already has instituted a ban on plastic straws for restaurant use. This has provoked a resurgence of, can you guess? PAPER STRAWS. The very same that you and I used throughout our high school years at the soda shop after school. Whoever decided to replace paper straws with plastic really screwed up things. Why, I just watched a vet removing a plastic straw from the nose of a threatened sea turtle who had no use for the thing at all as blood streamed from the nostrils of the poor critter.


Some while ago, the world press and our ‘fake news’ became aware of a floating island of plastic trash between Hawaii and California. It was found swirling in the ocean currents, stuck in one place, hidden from all but a few intrepid sailors who happened upon a mess that was larger than the state of Texas. Texas, that is. Now there is not one of these gyres, but three. The aforementioned one and two others further south of more recent origin. All are expanding at a rapid rate, and ocean vessels are advised to steer clear of the trash that is killing ocean birds and fishes at an alarming rate. 

The mass of materials in the gyre includes plastics of all types, sizes, shapes and colors and all of it floats, either upon the surface of the ocean or slightly below. One of the shapes floating along serenely are our friendly straws, bobbing along happily, an emblematic representation of our practice involving use, toss, forget, then look the other way when a plastic mess ends up in the ocean.


The plastics industry in the US is alarmed by the California proposal of banning some small portion of their output. Their trade association has weighed into the controversy. Faced with the epic proportions of the problem, the American Chemistry Council (representing resin manufacturers) offered a solution that fooled no one. “We’d welcome the opportunity to work with [California] Senator Allen and all stakeholders on efforts to recycle and recover more plastic material so that it doesn’t become waste or ocean litter.” Sure, and we should all clean our plates at each meal.


Available data indicates that American consumers are lousy at recycling. We recycle plastics at a rate of about 10% depending upon the region of the country and that region’s aggressiveness in recycling. This disappointing rate of recycling has remained relatively constant since the beginnings of the plastic industry with 90% of the material that has ever been produced (millions and millions of pounds) being discarded, much of it being sent to landfills. Recycling is not the answer. Our current paltry efforts of recycling plastics have gotten worse not better, since a year or so ago the Chinese began refusing to accept any plastics for re-use from the US due to contamination.


The plastic industry has now confirmed that the plastics stored in our landfills is likely to last forever since the landfills are sealed after they become full; hence the plastics are not subject to weathering. The question is, when will all those discarded plastic straws, bottles and other doodads become too much for us? Since it is clear to me that the plastics industry is unwilling and unable to mount any solutions that might reduce their profit bonanza, I decided to step in with my own reasoned suggestions. I forwarded my solutions to the governing officials in the State of Michigan via a letter to their Director. Amazingly, the Director hasn’t yet found time to call me about my suggestions despite the brilliance of both the ideas and the epistle upon which the ideas were recorded. Will wonders never cease?


My common-sense proposals centered on legislative action to enforce return and reuse of plastics. I pointed to the success of Michigan’s bottle deposit law and how simple it would be to update and extend the bottle return law to other plastic containers and increase the size of the deposit from its current measly 10 cents to an inflation-adjusted 38 cents per bottle. “Michigan should reclaim its mantle of environmental leadership across the nation!” I exclaimed with what I hoped who be interpreted as a shout out.


My exclamations apparently didn’t move the Director to action. Accordingly, I decided on a new tack, this one exclusively in my control. Effective immediately, my betrothed and I have sworn off the use of plastic straws and plastic lids at our neighborhood McDonalds and Subway, the only options available to us. No more of our debris from this source will be going to a local landfill. I am expecting that my leadership will catch on and we’ll soon see the end of plastic straws and similar useless containers.


So, think of me if you happen to see someone spilling his drink because it is lidless and strawless. Further, if he has a stain on his shirt from previous spilled drinks like I do, you’ll know my idea is finally catching on. Feel free to join in and be a stained shirt kind of guy like me.


Bill