One of the requirements for achieving this esteemed title is ‘shoveling a lot of snow’. Since I developed the new title and the requirements for achieving it, I can communicate the various requirements: Expert Snow Shoveler can be awarded to those men who have spent at least 10 years using hand tools to shovel a medium-sized driveway and sidewalk; Super Snow Shovelers must meet the more severe requirement of ‘shoveling a whole shit load of snow.’ Since I qualified for the latter category earlier this fall, I awarded myself the new title. I expect my trophy will arrive shortly after I decide what it will be.
As a celebration of my new title and the requisite hard-won expertise, I am devoting this blog to a description of the finer points of snow shoveling. This will be useful for you men in the unlikely event that you are interested in becoming a snow-shoveling super star, one who can justifiably list himself as a Super Snow Shoveler, worthy of extraordinary praise and respect from a spouse for this rare expertise.
The first thing you need to know is that snow shovels come in different sizes and styles. I have a variety of styles among my five shovels. I position one at each doorway. The aim in my distribution of shovels is based on the premise that if my spouse happens to exit any particular door, she’ll see the shovel and begin work on the adjacent snowy surface. I should tell you that this is one of my least successful snow shoveling strategies, although I must hasten to add that my cooperative spouse took over the shoveling duties last year while I was laid up with hip replacement surgery. Looking back at the experience teaches how effective my tutelage was and also how long I was able to milk my recovery.
The types of shovels I have include the pushers, (toys foisted on beginning shovelers), the honest-to-God shovels that you must bend over, lift and toss to empty, including those with and without a metal flange to slam against, God forbid, a build-up of ice beneath the snow. Early last year I purchased a chipper, now also a required tool for Super Snow Shovelers. This is a long-handled tool with a steel blade at the business end for scraping the dreaded ice from concrete surfaces. It is a necessary accessory to keep your driveways and sidewalks clean when the snow inexplicably turns to ice due to a peculiarity in the upper atmosphere.
For larger driveways you’ll need a snow-blower that I include in the catch-all category of snow shoveling tools. The two-stage variety is recommended. The extra blade in the two-stage type that throws the snow toward distant parts of your lawn often adds extra excitement during the snow removal work. You will undoubtedly be throwing rocks and other debris from the frozen surface using the two stage machine. The Expert Snow Shovelers get extra credit toward their Super status if they successfully avoid broken windows or dented panels on their cars that are parked in the driveway. I learned this skill the hard way.
The final requirement for Super Snow Shovelers is a men-only, highly developed vocabulary of both rare and everyday curse words. Yes, ladies, out-loud cursing is a requirement for those seemingly frequent times the snow plow drivers choose to plow the road leading to your driveway, filling your newly shoveled driveway with someone else’s snow. As bad as the practice of cursing is, sometimes it’s the only way to relieve man-stress after shoveling.
Good luck, men. I ‘ll be rooting for those of you who want to give a try toward the new, manly skill of Super Snow Shoveling. I can give first-hand advice in developing this skill if you want to stop by my driveway and help shovel. No appointments needed. Any time will work for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment