It's Not My Fault

I just learned from Scientific American that it’s not my fault that I am a little overweight. In their 2012 Special Edition, What Makes Us Human, they report that the human brain consumes 22 times the calories that other muscles need. 22 times. In other words, if eating one Twinkie makes me gain, say, 17 pounds, I’d need about 100 Twinkies to calculate the mass of my two snowmobiles sitting on the trailer which they are right now ‘cause they are broke.

For the past 25 years I have assumed I should eat less to lose weight AND IT DIDN’T WORK. I learned the hard way that eating less made me hungry so I would eat Twinkies before bed AND GAIN WEIGHT instead of lose it. After all my efforts to lose weight by exercise and eating less, now I learn that I should have been thinking more. That extra flab I see when I look down is not my fault.

I should have known that thinking uses calories. Every nerdy, smart person I know is skinny and wears glasses. And now that I think about it, I haven’t seen any fat guys buying any of my books, either. Not only do the skinny nerds think more, they have bigger brains so they use more calories when they sit around with their brains idling. I suppose they can calculate the mass of my snowmobiles even with their brains in first gear, whereas I need overdrive to remember the last time I put gas in the machines. Which is why they are broke, the repairman said the gas that I put in the machines last winter turned to mashed potatoes and plugged up the frazzelometer, and voided the warranty on the fuel metering ohmmeter requiring him to overhaul both machines just to get them started. I suspect his brain is not much bigger than mine though, because he has been calculating the cost to repair my machines for the last two weeks.

Since the holidays are coming upon us, I am determined to use my newfound knowledge to lose weight. With my small brain, I know I’ll have my work cut out for me. In fact, the last time I tried to think about something, (I can’t remember what it was) nothing happened. But I am determined to change things and I am going to start think training tomorrow by thinking about food, starting with Twinkies. If the Scientific American information is correct, I figure that if I think about Twinkies an hour or two each day, by Christmas time I should have dropped several pounds and I’ll be able to enjoy the holidays without that guilty feeling that creeps up on me like a cat stalking my dog, who also has a weight problem and who probably also has a thinking problem so it’s not his fault, either.

 

Happy Holidays

 

Grandpa Bill